Wednesday, May 11, 2011

unexpected sadness

I've been sitting in my living room for some time now.  Just sitting while the sun comes up and another day begins with all of the beautiful noises of the morning.  I can hear the birds singing, our dogs chasing the cats, rooster crowing by the barn, horses are snorting in the pasture as the dew soaked grass tickles their noses.  Someone upstairs has sighed and probably rolled over, snuggled back down in the covers for those last bits of sleep before getting up for chores and school. Mornings like this are my favorite.  I can be still and know that He is God. He is a good God of love and mercy.  I know this to be true. I see it in my life every single day with every single breath I take. I am aware of His grace, I have been since He found me.  I know these things in my head at this very moment but my heart hurts, my heart is struggling with this knowledge right now.  This morning I am struggling with the beauty that surrounds me as the fog dissipates over the back pasture. It's that question for which there is no answer... God, why do bad/sad/terrible things happen?

This morning as I sit I am processing.  I'll go back a few days and even a week. 
I met a wonderful family who have also adopted and in our conversation we discovered that she had actually met our little referral.  She had even taken some pictures which she sent to me, we have had our referral since early November of 2009 and at that time I did send the picture we received to a couple of Dr. that I know and they said that there was no big scare to them as they  looked at her for signs of FAS. I was immediately relieved because while we are open to a special needs little girl we do not feel that this is the time for us to undertake one with FAS.  Back to my story of the wonderful "friend" I have met.  She told me about meeting "our girl" and told me all about her families adoption story.  I soaked up every detail and have been so thankful for her.  We ended our conversation with her telling me that she had gotten a second opinion on her sweet one and gave me her Dr.s number.  I thought about if for a day and at the last minute I talked it over with Jeff and we decided to send our info to this Dr. for a last opinion before we travel to meet her. I had not planned to do this, it just happened.

The Dr. is from Washington, from the hospital that put the name to FAS and they specialize in this area. Well she called us yesterday and the first words out of her mouth were: "I have very bad news".  Bad news?  How could this be?  I asked her about the pictures and she said that it wasn't the pictures that she had drawn the majority of her conclusion from.  She said that our little girl was very, very well proportioned and that is what bothered her.  I wont give you all of the details but I'll say that at close to 3 years old, her head circumference and height are at the height and circumference of a 9 month old. Then based on the written information, things like when she learned to sit, stand, walk, talk etc. In her professional experience she believes that this little girl will not mentally ever grow to adulthood.   
Not for one second did I expect this to be said to me.  Never. 
I couldn't even speak.  All I could do was cry. I'm thankful for Jeff, he discerned that I wasn't going to be able to function for a bit and so he began to ask many questions. The Dr. said that the choice was ours but she would not recommend our family to adopt a child with these type of problems without extensive training.  Wow... :-( I was still crying.

Jeff and I talked it over.  This may be the hardest decision we have ever had to face but we decided we cannot adopt this little girl who is so beautiful and sweet.  She deserves a home and a family and that is why this is so hard. Why God do things like this happen?
I have many feelings right now, my heart feels broken in a hundred pieces. I am angry at the mom who destroyed a life, angry at us for not being able to take her. Sad that my kids have had to walk this with us even thought they do understand. Guilt...
 Micaela sat and cried with me yesterday.  The boys were angry with the situation and also sad for this little girl.
Danielle cried with me after she got off of work last night. She said, "Mom, It's like the miscarriages and I'm sorry that I can't help fix it".
I am sorry too.  Mostly I am sorry for this little girl who will not be a part of our family now.  We will keep her pictures and pray that God will bring her a family who will know what she needs and will be able to give it to her.

My quiet morning is coming to a close, Josiah just called from another room, "Mom, wasn't Elijah a profit?"  "Yes," I call back to him and he settles in to read a little more before math...
I'm praying that God give us peace to live with our decision and to bring a family to this little girl.


  1. Vicki, I'm so very sorry! I know this wasn't the news you were expecting at all. We too had a little boy's picture for some time and turned out he had hydrocephaly and would not live to be an adult. I couldn't take this little boy's face out of my mind. I cried because I wanted to do something for him - to help him. You can help her by praying and asking your agency to help her find another family and working with special needs groups to help promote/place her. This just means that your baby is still yet to be revealed and you will get the baby you're supposed to have. I promise you that's the truth!

  2. Oh no! I know the sadness of not proceeding with an adoption that you thought would take place- although the circumstances are differenet, I know that heart ache. Be encouraged that, for whatever reason, our Father has you exactly where He wants you. The child we were referred is not the one we are adopting- we traveled to meet her and knew after 2 days that something just wasn't right. Our agency rep was amazing and encouraged us in our decision, telling us not to feel guilt- that it doesn't mean that child will never find a home. It just means sh wasn't the right one for our family and we weren't the right parents for her. Then we were given the paperwork to meet our Sunshine! This child never would have been referred to us- it was God's leading that brought us to her. Stand firm in your faith and in the journey He has for you. I will pray you find wisdom and discernment with your decisions.
    (ps- we also used this same Doc and they were at first worried about our Sunshine- but a remeasure of her head gave the "clearance" of "average" risk).

  3. Hugs to you !!! My heart hurts with you.

  4. Vicki, just now I found your blog. I didn't know you have one. Although I can in no way understand all these feelings, my heart broke for you when you texted me with the news. I love you and know that God has one of His special children for your family. You are an incredible family and whoever he/she may be will be so blessed. I love you.